Nassau, Bahamas -- There is news
coming out of the Nassau Oceanic camp tonight suggesting that Kalik Beer
has just signed up as the official alcoholic beverage/drink partner of
the Nassau Oceanic.
Party in a bottle
This is an enormous development for the sports entertainment industry, as there are some key stipulations in the contract, the Nassau Guardian has learned. There will be no other brands of alcohol served at Oceanic games, so if you are preparing to get drunk at the game, make sure you enjoy getting drunk off of Kalik. In fact, the only drinks being served, period, will be Kalik beers and Mountain Dew. In order to combat the obvious drunkenness, ushers will be passing out free waters to those who are dangerously intoxicated.
Instead of Gatorade or other popular sports drinks being available to players while they are sitting on the bench, there will instead be free Kalik beer available. In fact, there will be four kegs sitting by either bench at all times, so the players may have their fill. Kalik spokesman Hiram Goldstein thinks this will help the company grow by showing the versatility of his company's beer: "This deal will convince the public that Kalik is a drink for all occasions, even sporting events. So far, market testing has shown some inconclusive results about the effects of seeing players vomiting, so we are thinking of this sponsorship deal as a sort of, real life trial-and-error campaign."
Other mumblings heard around the Mountain Dew PowerDome suggested that prospect defenseman, Niall Donovan, would be the new spokesperson for the Bahamian beer company. He was unavailable for comment, perhaps due to the fact that we encountered him passed out on the floor, surrounded by 35 Kalik beer bottles, mumbling, "I'm gonna fuck you up" repeatedly.
New Kalik spokesman, Niall Donovan
Plans are already being set into motion by the franchise to include Donovan in a fan-based promotion, called the Niall Keg Count-Off. This will involve, during the second intermission, Niall Donovan doing a keg stand while all the fans chant how many seconds he has. Owner/GM/RW of the Oceanic, Kyle Peters thinks this will cut down significantly on running costs, while also keeping the fans entertained. "Niall can keg stand for so long, that this count might end up lasting for half the intermission. That is brilliant for our running costs because we don't need to entertain the fans during that time, we'll just let Niall work his magic. It's a modern-day seventh-inning stretch, if you will."
"We think Niall will be a fantastic ambassador for the Kalik brand, and it only shows our ambition as a company to sign such an exciting, intelligent, thoughtful young player with such a tremendous personality," Goldstein claims. "Also being added to the equation is the fact that he is Irish, which will help our global profile."
Critics of the appointment of Donovan, mostly members of his group, calling themselves the Niallites, had a different opinion. "I've personally heard Niall say that he swears by Guinness," asserted Tricia Haynes, 28, "So this appointment is an absolute abomination. Couldn't they have just gotten Noreika, Cory, or Mayer, all equally talented guys? Why did they need to tear Niall away from his ideals?"
Many questions remain about this ground-breaking sponsorship deal. Will this be dangerous? How will the players react to being served Kalik constantly? Will Niall Donovan remember any of this in the morning? All of these questions are yet to be answered, but suffice it to say, exciting times are coming in Nassau.
By: Bubba Gump - Official Nassau Oceanic Correspondent
Party in a bottle
This is an enormous development for the sports entertainment industry, as there are some key stipulations in the contract, the Nassau Guardian has learned. There will be no other brands of alcohol served at Oceanic games, so if you are preparing to get drunk at the game, make sure you enjoy getting drunk off of Kalik. In fact, the only drinks being served, period, will be Kalik beers and Mountain Dew. In order to combat the obvious drunkenness, ushers will be passing out free waters to those who are dangerously intoxicated.
Instead of Gatorade or other popular sports drinks being available to players while they are sitting on the bench, there will instead be free Kalik beer available. In fact, there will be four kegs sitting by either bench at all times, so the players may have their fill. Kalik spokesman Hiram Goldstein thinks this will help the company grow by showing the versatility of his company's beer: "This deal will convince the public that Kalik is a drink for all occasions, even sporting events. So far, market testing has shown some inconclusive results about the effects of seeing players vomiting, so we are thinking of this sponsorship deal as a sort of, real life trial-and-error campaign."
Other mumblings heard around the Mountain Dew PowerDome suggested that prospect defenseman, Niall Donovan, would be the new spokesperson for the Bahamian beer company. He was unavailable for comment, perhaps due to the fact that we encountered him passed out on the floor, surrounded by 35 Kalik beer bottles, mumbling, "I'm gonna fuck you up" repeatedly.
New Kalik spokesman, Niall Donovan
Plans are already being set into motion by the franchise to include Donovan in a fan-based promotion, called the Niall Keg Count-Off. This will involve, during the second intermission, Niall Donovan doing a keg stand while all the fans chant how many seconds he has. Owner/GM/RW of the Oceanic, Kyle Peters thinks this will cut down significantly on running costs, while also keeping the fans entertained. "Niall can keg stand for so long, that this count might end up lasting for half the intermission. That is brilliant for our running costs because we don't need to entertain the fans during that time, we'll just let Niall work his magic. It's a modern-day seventh-inning stretch, if you will."
"We think Niall will be a fantastic ambassador for the Kalik brand, and it only shows our ambition as a company to sign such an exciting, intelligent, thoughtful young player with such a tremendous personality," Goldstein claims. "Also being added to the equation is the fact that he is Irish, which will help our global profile."
Critics of the appointment of Donovan, mostly members of his group, calling themselves the Niallites, had a different opinion. "I've personally heard Niall say that he swears by Guinness," asserted Tricia Haynes, 28, "So this appointment is an absolute abomination. Couldn't they have just gotten Noreika, Cory, or Mayer, all equally talented guys? Why did they need to tear Niall away from his ideals?"
Many questions remain about this ground-breaking sponsorship deal. Will this be dangerous? How will the players react to being served Kalik constantly? Will Niall Donovan remember any of this in the morning? All of these questions are yet to be answered, but suffice it to say, exciting times are coming in Nassau.
By: Bubba Gump - Official Nassau Oceanic Correspondent
No comments:
Post a Comment